his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
