Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
