You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
