So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
