I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
