the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
