I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
the raccoons are back...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
