I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my shit smells like andre
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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