oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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