i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
