I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
