The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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