I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
