She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
