She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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