I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
