Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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