that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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