Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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