'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
