Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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