Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
