Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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