literally had 100 drinks last night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
