I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
