what day is it and did you see me today?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
