how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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