I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
