I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
two words: eviction party
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
