You can't special order awesome
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
