I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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