Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
