Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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