remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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