You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
