Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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