I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
