Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize