census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
