So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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