M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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