My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
