You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
