remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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