I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
