I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
