i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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