He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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