what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
