she smelled like a LAN party
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am naked and annoyed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
