Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
