I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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