I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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