I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
