I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
