Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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