Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
