i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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