If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
