when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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