Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
