I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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